


it's not a chore to love you

by interruptedbyfjreworks



Series: tour fics [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 16:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15667365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interruptedbyfjreworks/pseuds/interruptedbyfjreworks
Summary: excerpt: "thoughts raced through phil's head at light speed, so fast he couldn't even consider one before the next was pushing it's way through and sending phil deeper into a pit of self-doubt."or phil has a bad day while on tour.





	it's not a chore to love you

Today hadn't been a good day. Crippling anxiety that Phil had no explanation for had been encompassing his mind since he woke up that morning.

He tried his best to keep it hidden, but during the meet-and-greet, he could hardly keep his hands from shaking and his smiles felt forced. His mind raced too much for him to ever give his full focus to the person he was supposed to be meeting. 

After the meet-and-greet was finished Dan and Phil both retreated back to the dressing room. Phil knew Dan could tell something was up but he didn't say anything, most likely thinking that Phil would say something when he was ready to talk about it. Phil avoided going on his phone at all before the show, scared to look at Twitter or Tumblr and see fans speculating about his evident anxiety. 

Phil watched closely as Dan changed into his stage outfit, trying to focus on the way his muscles tensed and relaxed as he moved. It was normally something Phil did to try and calm himself down but it did nothing now. 

Having to meet so many people every day, Phil would've thought his anxiety would be a more frequent issue throughout the tour. Instead, he found that he hadn't had much of a problem with it - up until now, that is. It wasn't anything specific that triggered it, it had probably all just been building up inside of him for so long and, Phil thought, it had to get out at some point. 

The show probably went alright from anyone else's point of view, but all Phil could see were the many mistakes me made due to his mind constantly buzzing, not to mention the general nerves he feels up on stage. Phil was pretty silent as he and Dan walked back to the dressing room. He picked at his fingernails as he walked, going over every little screw-up that had happened in the last two hours.

Dan was going on about something to one of their crew members who happened to be walking with them. When they reached the dressing room Phil continued walking right into the room while Dan stopped outside to continue talking. Seeing the way Phil plopped himself down on the couch and curled up into a loose ball, Dan politely dismissed himself from the conversation and walked into the room, closing the door so they could be completely alone.

Phil hardly acknowledged as Dan sat down tentatively on the sofa next to him. He was too busy attempting to regulate his breathing and calm his brain. Phil wasn't sure exactly when he had begun to hyperventilate or why, but he knew that he needed it to stop before he tipped into a full-fledged panic attack.

Thoughts raced through Phil's head at light speed, so fast he couldn't even consider one before the next was pushing it's way through and sending Phil deeper into a pit of self-doubt. Each thought was worse than the last, convincing him that he was worthless and that nobody actually liked him. Telling him his "fans" were only coming to see him because of Dan and so many other things that he knew were ridiculous, he knew they weren't true, yet he couldn't seem to stop them. 

At some point, Phil had begun to rock back and forth with his knees pulled up to his chest and Dan's arms had slid around his shoulders in attempts to restrain him. A rhythmic string of whispers escaped from Dan's lips and made their way to Phil's ear, encroaching their way into Phil's mind and blanketing themselves over his tainted thoughts, slowing them down until Phil was able to focus on Dan's words.

"You're alright, it's okay, please just listen to me. Focus on my voice, Phil."

Phil managed to stop rocking but Dan continued to whisper words of comfort until Phil's breathing slowed down completely. He let Dan hold him a bit longer, Phil's hands reaching up to clamp around Dan's arm like a vice, afraid that if he let go Dan would disappear. 

Phil was the first to speak, his voice scratchy. "I'm sorry."

"What are you apologizing for? It's not like this is something you could've stopped." Dan shifted to Phil could scoot back in between his legs and press his back against Dan's chest.

"Just that you have to deal with me like this. I can hardly stand myself, sometimes. How could you?" Phil laughed a bit at the end but they both knew he didn't see any humor in it.

"Phil, don't say that."

"I'm just being honest."

Dan bent his head down to kiss Phil's shoulder, pressing his face against his neck. "It's not a chore to love you. Helping you through your bad days is just a part of loving you, just like when you help me through mine. I do it because I'm in love with you and I want nothing more than to see you happy."

Phil wasn't sure what to say to that. He knew, deep down, that Dan meant everything he said, but his mind just wouldn't stop nagging at him that it was all a lie. He tried desperately to push those terrible thoughts away but they wouldn't cease.

Instead of saying anything in fear that his doubts would come out in the form of spoken words, he just turned around to place a soft kiss on Dan's lips, using the sensation to shut up his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr @avatarin3d!!  
> kudos/comments are appreciated!!


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